Despondent over Hillary Clinton’s loss?  Crying all over the pages of your New York Times?  Fearful you may find a job and leave Mom’s basement?

Fans of a particular San Francisco Quarterback will receive 10 points over the grade.

Then, I’m looking for you!  I’m holding an essay contest for liberals.  The liberal who can best share his/her emotions (no logic required) over 800 words will be awarded the first annual Blue Spud.  You’ll be proud to show your blue state feelings with a lacquered Idaho potato (or a moldy sweet potato of unknown provenance from my kitchen) from the reddest state in the Union.

All you’re required to do to enter the contest is answer a multiple choice question.  When I see the American flag:

  1. I vomit.
  2. I torch it.
  3. I pee on it.
  4. All of the above.

As a bonus for an additional ten points at judging, we have another question.  If a terrorist attacks your neighborhood, you would:

1.  Express Solidarity because you now know what an oppressed colonial people feel as you no longer recognize your country.

2.  Join in shouting God-is-Great in Arabic.

3.  Surrender and claim you represent everyone.

4.  All of the above.

The left-handed, women in comfortable shoes and those confused about bathroom choices will be awarded an additional 5 points.  Fifteen for the trifecta!  Fans of a particular San Francisco Quarterback will receive 10 points over the grade.  The winner will be announced the first show following the Inauguration of President Donald Trump!  Now, get writing.