Fun for America Haters! (Opinion)
Despondent over Hillary Clinton’s loss? Crying all over the pages of your New York Times? Fearful you may find a job and leave Mom’s basement?
"Fans of a particular San Francisco Quarterback will receive 10 points over the grade."
Then, I’m looking for you! I’m holding an essay contest for liberals. The liberal who can best share his/her emotions (no logic required) over 800 words will be awarded the first annual Blue Spud. You’ll be proud to show your blue state feelings with a lacquered Idaho potato (or a moldy sweet potato of unknown provenance from my kitchen) from the reddest state in the Union.
All you’re required to do to enter the contest is answer a multiple choice question. When I see the American flag:
- I vomit.
- I torch it.
- I pee on it.
- All of the above.
As a bonus for an additional ten points at judging, we have another question. If a terrorist attacks your neighborhood, you would:
1. Express Solidarity because you now know what an oppressed colonial people feel as you no longer recognize your country.
2. Join in shouting God-is-Great in Arabic.
3. Surrender and claim you represent everyone.
4. All of the above.
The left-handed, women in comfortable shoes and those confused about bathroom choices will be awarded an additional 5 points. Fifteen for the trifecta! Fans of a particular San Francisco Quarterback will receive 10 points over the grade. The winner will be announced the first show following the Inauguration of President Donald Trump! Now, get writing.