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‘Game of Thrones’ Heavy Metal Review – ‘The Laws of Gods and Men’

HBO

Blood spurted and betrayals abounded in this week’s ‘Game of Thrones,’ which may have been slow, but was pretty damn metal.

Back when we launched this season of ‘Game of Thrones’ Heavy Metal Reviews, we swore we’d tell you true how much ass was kicked each and every week. And week six, ‘The Laws of Gods and Men,’ had a good melee and a respectable body count, but we won’t lie: For the most part, this episode was pretty much ‘Law & Order: Westeros.’ And watching it was a lot like it must have felt to be in the third segment, sitting by a waterfall in Meereen and watching goats graze.

Don’t get us wrong: Peter Dinklage’s masterful monologue as Tyrion the wrongly imprisoned dwarf was amazing. No doubt he put a lifetime of pain into the Imp’s venomous response to years of abuse and neglect, with one betrayal too many heaped on top.

But all in all, yeah — despite the talk of usurpers, blood, bastards, desire, obsession, justice gold, and some epic angling — it was like watching goats eat grass. Let’s just get right to the stats.

‘The Laws of Gods and Men’ Stats and Count of Assorted Metal Signifiers and Situations:
Onscreen Body Count: Approximately 7 (human, including one ax to the skull and one gushing cut throat).
Fire-Roasted Goat (by a Dragon, No Less): 1
Blackened, Burnt, Goat Skull With Long, Curved Horns: 1 (A screen cap of that will make a fine album cover one day.)
Guaranteed Name of a Future Prog Metal Band: 1 (The Iron Bank of Braavos)
Rough Sex: 1
Boobs: 7
Butts: 2
Other Choice Bits: 1
Shortened Fingers: 4
Victorious Viking Raiders: 7 (Technically, they’re not Vikings, but they’re called Ironborn, which is still metal as hell.)
Eunuchs: 2 (One of which still has a quite a set of balls, even if only figuratively; one who does not.)
Lies: 2 (A strategically applied lie goes a long way.)
Dad Busting His Kid’s Chops, Which Is Probably the Ultimate Inspiration for Approximately 36.6 percent of All Metal: 1
Betrayals: 3
Duplicitous (or Possibly Compromised) Whores: 1 (If you don’t count everybody in King’s Landing.)
Overall Rating: Metal. Hey, there are plenty of boring metal albums.

Question for Discussion: Why isn’t this season’s bloodshed more exciting? Explain below.

Song of the Week:  Obliteration, ‘Goat Skull Crown’

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