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‘Hercules’: A Live Blog

Hercules review
Paramount Pictures

Because of Comic-Con and because Paramount did not screen ‘Hercules’ before I left for Comic-Con, I have been living a life that was free of The Rock-as-Hercules. That is, until Tuesday morning when I bought a ticket to see ‘Hercules’ at a movie theater on the Upper East Side of Manhattan alongside at least three other people. I personally witnessed ‘Hercules’ earn another $30 at the box office.

While I watched ‘Hercules,’ I kept a running diary of the movie. Anyway, here’s how that went…

10:11 a.m.: I want to know more about the other three people in this theater. What are their stories? What are their motivations? For that matter, what is my motivation?

10:11 a.m.: ‘Hercules’ starts with a voiceover narration with clips of Hercules as a little boy, followed by a montage of Hercules having to complete a series of tasks in order for him to live in peace. OK, all caught up!

10:12 a.m.: One of those tasks was to kill a giant lion.

10:14 a.m.: A group of pirates are laughing at the stories of Hercules. I bet they regret this soon.

10:16 a.m.: Hercules is wearing the lion as a hat.

10:17 a.m.: The Rock is almost too charming to be Hercules.

10:17 a.m.: Maybe that’s Hercules’ power? Maybe he has the power to charm people into submission?

10:19 a.m.: Hercules explains that he just wants to live a quiet life on some oceanfront land. This doesn’t sound like a particularly unique dream.

10:19 a.m.: I wish this entire movie was watching Hercules live in peace on some oceanfront land.

10:19 a.m.: I suspect Hercules would make a nice neighbor.

10:22 a.m.: I like to pretend that the wig The Rock is wearing is real.

10:25 a.m.: Hercules smiles a lot.

10:28 a.m.: “I’m just a mercenary fighting for gold,” seems to be Hercules’ version of “I’m too old for this shit.”

10:31 a.m.: Hercules is smiling again.

10:32 a.m.: I wish Hercules was my friend.

10:35 a.m.: Another smile for Hercules.

10:37 a.m.: Hercules just befriended a child prince and gave him a necklace with a big bone hanging off of it. I suppose gift options for children under 12 are hard to find in this era so, “Here’s a bone. I hope you like it,” has to suffice.

10:43 a.m.: Souls departing to Elysium was just referenced. I hope those souls don’t have to watch the movie ‘Elysium.’

10:44 a.m.: People are chanting, “Hercules, Hercules, Hercules.” Either this is a tribute to Mama Klump or Brett Ratner has never seen ‘The Nutty Professer.’

10:45 a.m.: Hercules is wearing his lion hat again.

10:47 a.m.: Hercules’ favorite form of fighting seems to just be “throwing people.”

10:55 a.m.: Hercules is smiling again.

11:04 a.m.: Hercules just dramatically said, “I have a plan,” and didn’t smile. I believe him.

11:05 a.m.: This movie isn’t terrible.

11:07 a.m.: There’s a lot of posturing in this movie.

11:10 a.m.: I want to dress as the lion hat for Halloween.

11:12 a.m.: The line, “To kill a snake, cut off its head,” was just spoken. To be fair, this remains true for most living creatures, actually.

11:15 a.m.: Hercules just threw a horse.

11:20 a.m.: Everyone wears really complicated outfits in this era.

11:21 a.m.: I can’t tell if there’s no such thing as casual wear or if everything is casual wear.

11:23 a.m.: Hercules hasn’t smiled in awhile.

11:24 a.m.: John Hurt’s character just announced that he will rule all of Greece. I hope he has a solution for the financial crises.

11:27 a.m.: The Rock just yelled, “I am Hercules!” I would have paid money to watch that being filmed and the exchanges between The Rock and Brett Ratner that led to it.

11:30 a.m.: A legitimately funny moment just happened.

11:34 a.m.: There are a lot of potential kills thwarted at the last possible second in this movie. I wish I had kept count of how many people are killed in this movie as they have a weapon raised in the air for one final blow. I would guess at least 10.

11:40 a.m.: Screaming “Your wife and children deserved to die!” seems like unnecessary motivation for Hercules. Why give someone like Hercules more motivation?

11:44 a.m.: And the movie ends to the sounds of Jamie N Commons’ & X Ambassadors’ ‘Jungle.’ Of note, the end credits use that same stylized animation that the recent Marvel movies have been using over their end credits. I guess this is a trend now.

11:45 a.m.: I already miss Hercules’ smile.

Mike Ryan is the senior editor of ScreenCrush. You can contact him directly on Twitter.

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