‘Hercules': A Live Blog
Because of Comic-Con and because Paramount did not screen ‘Hercules’ before I left for Comic-Con, I have been living a life that was free of The Rock-as-Hercules. That is, until Tuesday morning when I bought a ticket to see ‘Hercules’ at a movie theater on the Upper East Side of Manhattan alongside at least three other people. I personally witnessed ‘Hercules’ earn another $30 at the box office.
While I watched ‘Hercules,’ I kept a running diary of the movie. Anyway, here’s how that went…
10:11 a.m.: I want to know more about the other three people in this theater. What are their stories? What are their motivations? For that matter, what is my motivation?
10:11 a.m.: ‘Hercules’ starts with a voiceover narration with clips of Hercules as a little boy, followed by a montage of Hercules having to complete a series of tasks in order for him to live in peace. OK, all caught up!
10:12 a.m.: One of those tasks was to kill a giant lion.
10:14 a.m.: A group of pirates are laughing at the stories of Hercules. I bet they regret this soon.
10:16 a.m.: Hercules is wearing the lion as a hat.
10:17 a.m.: The Rock is almost too charming to be Hercules.
10:17 a.m.: Maybe that’s Hercules’ power? Maybe he has the power to charm people into submission?
10:19 a.m.: Hercules explains that he just wants to live a quiet life on some oceanfront land. This doesn’t sound like a particularly unique dream.
10:19 a.m.: I wish this entire movie was watching Hercules live in peace on some oceanfront land.
10:19 a.m.: I suspect Hercules would make a nice neighbor.
10:22 a.m.: I like to pretend that the wig The Rock is wearing is real.
10:25 a.m.: Hercules smiles a lot.
10:28 a.m.: “I’m just a mercenary fighting for gold,” seems to be Hercules’ version of “I’m too old for this shit.”
10:31 a.m.: Hercules is smiling again.
10:32 a.m.: I wish Hercules was my friend.
10:35 a.m.: Another smile for Hercules.
10:37 a.m.: Hercules just befriended a child prince and gave him a necklace with a big bone hanging off of it. I suppose gift options for children under 12 are hard to find in this era so, “Here’s a bone. I hope you like it,” has to suffice.
10:43 a.m.: Souls departing to Elysium was just referenced. I hope those souls don’t have to watch the movie ‘Elysium.’
10:44 a.m.: People are chanting, “Hercules, Hercules, Hercules.” Either this is a tribute to Mama Klump or Brett Ratner has never seen ‘The Nutty Professer.’
10:45 a.m.: Hercules is wearing his lion hat again.
10:47 a.m.: Hercules’ favorite form of fighting seems to just be “throwing people.”
10:55 a.m.: Hercules is smiling again.
11:04 a.m.: Hercules just dramatically said, “I have a plan,” and didn’t smile. I believe him.
11:05 a.m.: This movie isn’t terrible.
11:07 a.m.: There’s a lot of posturing in this movie.
11:10 a.m.: I want to dress as the lion hat for Halloween.
11:12 a.m.: The line, “To kill a snake, cut off its head,” was just spoken. To be fair, this remains true for most living creatures, actually.
11:15 a.m.: Hercules just threw a horse.
11:20 a.m.: Everyone wears really complicated outfits in this era.
11:21 a.m.: I can’t tell if there’s no such thing as casual wear or if everything is casual wear.
11:23 a.m.: Hercules hasn’t smiled in awhile.
11:24 a.m.: John Hurt’s character just announced that he will rule all of Greece. I hope he has a solution for the financial crises.
11:27 a.m.: The Rock just yelled, “I am Hercules!” I would have paid money to watch that being filmed and the exchanges between The Rock and Brett Ratner that led to it.
11:30 a.m.: A legitimately funny moment just happened.
11:34 a.m.: There are a lot of potential kills thwarted at the last possible second in this movie. I wish I had kept count of how many people are killed in this movie as they have a weapon raised in the air for one final blow. I would guess at least 10.
11:40 a.m.: Screaming “Your wife and children deserved to die!” seems like unnecessary motivation for Hercules. Why give someone like Hercules more motivation?
11:44 a.m.: And the movie ends to the sounds of Jamie N Commons’ & X Ambassadors’ ‘Jungle.’ Of note, the end credits use that same stylized animation that the recent Marvel movies have been using over their end credits. I guess this is a trend now.
11:45 a.m.: I already miss Hercules’ smile.
Mike Ryan is the senior editor of ScreenCrush. You can contact him directly on Twitter.