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Shocking New Study: Some Men Buy New Underwear

Wait, I’m confused, there are people who throw away their underwear??

NBC reported on this groundbreaking new study done in the UK about how often men buy new underwear.

The magic number?  7 years.  These people simply have no endurance.  There’s a reason they call it the 7th Inning Stretch.  Please allow me to outline the three stages of underwear relationships.  Undermarriage, if you will.  I assume this applies for everyone in Twin Falls as well.

Phase 1: The Honeymoon Period.  We’ve all been here before.  You’ve just gotten hitched… everything feels so new… and it’s all 100% cotton and rose colored cheeks.

Phase 2: Reality Sets In.  Those of us with some years under our belts know what happens after you’ve gotten to know one another.  “I bought this?!  I can’t believe I didn’t see this coming in the store.  Since when is that seam line placed right there?!” to which the other responds with, “Hey, hey, hey, there’s no need to get teste with me.”

Phase 3: The Big Question.  Stay together, or part ways?  Well, with over half of all marriages ending in divorce, it’s no reason people simply trade in their current ones for a younger model.  You think maybe you should stay together for the fruit of your looms.  You know each other’s peccadilloes… the special looks… and smells.  You have so many years of experience together and you think, “I’ll never have it this good again.”

Well, I for one plan to send a message to society loud and clear: I will do everything in my power to jockey for longevity, not just for my sake, but the sake of the human race.  That’s why I’m starting the Coalition For Menderwear: Break the cHanes of Separation!

You’re welcome, world.

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