When her song first leaked,  I'll admit to feeling like some of the subtelties in phrasing and colloquialisms of 'It's Tan Mom' might have been going over my head. This new video leaves little room for subtlety. 

Scared to watch? We know, us too. Let's break down the finer points together, shall we? Hold me.

  • "It's Tan Mom, B*tch. It's Patricia, b*tch."

    Bad news: It is in fact, Tan Mom, b*tch.

    I'm a hopeful person, so I guess there was a part of me that wanted to believe that the "leaked" song was just some funny person who is good at impressions. Yyyyyeahno, that's her alright. She even gives us her first name, in case you know multiple mothers with the pallor of a mahogany chest of drawers.

    YouTube
  • "Here I come; I've got a message to use protection...from the sun. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha."

    WHO IS THIS DUDE THAT SHE IS KISSING, if not the lead singer of Good Charlotte? He looks so nervous, I want to give him a hug.

    I do appreciate that she is using her newly found megaphone to send a message about the importance of sunscreen. I believe her, too; she looks pretty pale. Her earnest concern for my welfare is oddly refreshing, 11 seconds in.

    YouTube
  • "I want to get my tan on. You all are losers."

    This is fair, guys. We make fun of her a lot. If anyone ever posted a picture of me in a bikini for the entire world to laugh at, I would have jumped off the nearest tall building. In the bikini, for revenge.

    So yes, we are losers, but also this lady put her child in a tanning booth. Draw? Today, we are all losers.

    YouTube
  • "I am cool. I'm the cool one. I'm hotter than the OctoMom. So I want you to back away, get away from me. Every day."

    Two households, both alike in dignity, on YouTube where we lay our scene...

    No? Shakespeare references aren't rad? That's fine. This head nod to the Octomom makes me wonder what other feuds exist, in the world of viral video stars; who would win in an epic cage match of Daviid After the Dentist and Charlie Bit My Finger? Both involve teeth, but whose are stronger? 

     

    YouTube
  • Tan Mom is a Mac User

    This is an iMovie template. My mind is now racing; does Tan Mom have widgets? Did she put the Apple sticker on her car? Does Tan Mom download music illegally via torrent? Does she scoff at PC users? Does she have an iPad?! Of course not, she has an iPad mini.

    YouTube