Commentary: Confession of a Bitter Clinging Climate Denier

I was a climate denier until six weeks ago.  Then the leaves on the trees changed from green to yellow and began falling to the ground.  Now there are few leaves left on the trees.  Some bitter clingers might even suggest this a sign from above (should above be capitalized if you’re a bitter clinger?)  Now my membership in the God and Guns Society is also in question as I must challenge all the assumptions I’ve had about life, nature and Mother Earth before the end of summer.

A man I met at the diner who scoffed when I ordered tofu instead of my former scrambled eggs and sausage made an outlandish statement.  He said you can’t make judgments based on just one event.  Then he really got ridiculous and told me the leaves fell off the trees at precisely the same time last year.  I’m not sure but I think the cholesterol has played games with his thinking process.  I can’t empirically refute what he says because I didn’t live here last year.  I lived 23-hundred miles away and that was 12 months ago.  I’m in the same boat as many of my newfound co-religionists and I’m glad my boat wasn’t off the west coast of Mexico the other day!  If you check out this link you’ll see man-made global warming was responsible for the massive storm the Mexican left coast experienced.  Never mind we’ve only seen, what, 2 or 3 powerful hurricanes over the past decade.  Never mind nobody was keeping records until some 125 years ago.  Never mind measuring instruments may have been nothing more than a wetted index finger held high into the air until 80 years ago.  Never mind if you’re not a creationist and believe the planet is billions of years old and hurricanes predated the arrival of man for millions if not billions of those years.  Even though we’ve no record of all those storms, some of which may have been massive and changed topography across swaths hundreds of miles in length, Mexico’s bout with a storm is obviously my fault, your fault and everyone’s fault.

Man is a detestable, devious and evil creature who defiles the planet (woman, as all we newly converted leftist reformed climate deniers know, simply got dragged along against her will).  Man must have his automobiles confiscated, his ability to heat and cool his home removed and the tools to feed 7 to 10 million people taken away.  Then with his means of survival eliminated he can be whittled down to a manageable level (by the climate police) if not wholly eradicated for the benefit of Mother Earth.

By his death and fertilizing benefit of his rotting corpse man will finally atone for his criminal carbon footprint and for the first time in history actually do something nice.  Aside from polio vaccines, dialysis machines, flood control, education, written language, magnificent cathedrals, some pretty paintings hanging in Paris and music.

Then the storms will cease, the birds will return in spring, and dolphins will cavort in placid waters.  A lot like a Disney movie but without the singing warthogs.

As a newly converted environmentalist and confessed former skeptic I’m now among the 144-thousand selected climate police officers.  Most will be women.  My role will simply be to pleasure them after a hard day eradicating their species.  And if I see smoke coming from the chimney of your cold and starving home I’ll rat you out quicker than you can say Hurricane Hattie!

The way I see it there’s just one problem.  Once most of you are gone and I’m busy pleasuring the auxiliary then who the heck will rake all these leaves???